My version of English Translation of
I’ll Promise To Find The Way Out, 2016 ~ 2020
by Hyojung Choi
Click the green title to see her original report.
This is a report on the sexual violence that I experienced at the Korea National University of Arts for 5 years. As a survivor of sexual violence, I summarized what happened, how I responded, and what results were obtained in the narrow ecosystem of the art world. This work is much closer to report than work in art. Knowing this, why do I dare to display it in a graduation exhibition at an art college?
I went to art college for five years and thought more seriously about how victims of sexual violence can survive in the art world than art at school. And when the great proposition of art is put into the form of an exhibition where the perpetrator and the victim exist together, the art world ruthlessly has been erasing the victim's voice, vaporizing the victim's damage, saying ‘it is just a rumor’. I saw it with my own eyes. Such behaviors have emerged within the art world, regardless of generation. In such an ecosystem, it was awkward to pretend that nothing happened and pretend to consider it as an artistic process. I do not want to do it. Above all, from the perspective of an individual who has watched women of the same age take their own lives like Domino's since turning an adult, I don't have enough time to go through the detour named ‘art’ taught by art school. This is because I, too, regularly try to commit suicide once a year and repeat myself being rushed to the emergency room or being almost dead in my small studio.
In 2020, I decided to report my suffering instead of the conventional art-making process at the graduation exhibition after thinking about how I could become a shield that protects me by taking on a public character, rather than disappearing, remained as a private rumor. Before that, I tried everything that could be of a “public” character, such as taking legal action, reporting through public institutions or schools, reaching an agreement with the perpetrator through people around me, and giving a speech, everything I can do without wanting to commit suicide. But each time there was a common obstacle that made it impossible for me to take on a 'publicity. The obstacle was the legal system that focused on 'factual defamation' and 'the perpetrator's human rights. Even if the perpetrator is disciplined through the human rights center on campus, if I tell others along with the perpetrator's real name, I would be subject to legal punishment. It is also not easy to make many people witness the perpetrator admit his wrongdoing, as there is a precedent that 'Forcing an apology is unconstitutional'. Above all, the publicity is slower and more conservative than the individuality.
At that slow pace, I had to think about whether I could survive without suicide until I got the results I wanted. In the end, I have pushed aside the vague area and format of a ‘report’, which is neither public nor private. I may not be punished by its ambiguousness.
I obsessively gathered evidence of the damage left by the perpetrators. The trigger was the suicide of a woman of the same age as me. Also, it was the moment my friend who heard the news told me that she was writing her will. Since there is nothing left to prove that we have been sexually assaulted after we are all dead, my friend's words to write it down in a will reminded me of how cruel this world is. The society where people are considered if they commit suicide is so cruel. It's so painful that I even want to give my life up. The expectation that a woman could make her pain public without suffering enough to die’ has moved me to this point. However, the conclusion turned out to be impossible. The judicial system and the public system do not allow a victim to prove one’s damage without suffering to death. However, some individuals know all the impossibilities that have no choice but to take legal action. How likely is it that those individuals have acquaintances who have taken legal action or public response due to sexual violence? Few. The physical and mental powers of a person are limited. We need a 'helper' to prevent exhaustion from going through the journey. In order not to commit suicide, there is a need for a shelter that one can lean on, but public shelters and groups are full 24/7. It has become seriously difficult to receive counseling even once after the pandemic.
If you are lucky, you can get a lot of help. However, an institution for some help is often at risk due to economic difficulties and a shortage of manpower. We, women in our twenties, are dying at a tremendous rate. I don't want to make my experiences as a survivor of a series of sexual assault victims meaningless or worthless. If it cannot remain as a public precedent, I will remain as a personal report and be meaningful by being able to be reached to women of the same age by being infinitely light data.
1. Get a helper
Womenlink - http://womenlink.or.kr/affiliates/sexual_violence_definitions
Sisters - http://www.sisters.or.kr/load.asp?subPage=220
If women are fighting or planning to fight against the perpetrators of sexual violence, I would like to tell them not to try to fight alone. In order not to die, I must fight with a legal advisor or counselor who can protect me without exhausting myself through public institutions, small women's centers, and human rights centers in schools. If you can afford it, you should find a helper at a good law firm. The Women's Civil Rights Committee and the Korea Sexual Violence Counseling Center are relatively large, so it's good to get useful information from their websites. However, legal advice or face-to-face counseling is often not available in a hurry. In that case, it is better to narrow the scope to the sexual violence counseling center operated by the district where you live or to meet with a lawyer who can help you if you have the money. Legal advice is free or does not incur a large expenditure, so if it is not feasible, you can seek advice without going through an institution. If you have the time and physical strength, it is also a way to gather information without rushing. Only with such an expert can I get help on which public items my sexual assault falls under, and which evidence should be collected. If nothing works, you need to narrow the scope down and find someone from your teacher, friends, or family to fight with, even for a moment.
2. Check your health
If you start the procedure, you will have to fight for a basic one or two years, relive hellish memories many times during that time, and you will encounter elements that can give you a psychological burden, such as rebuttals or ridicule, every day. Therefore, I hope that you will enter the fight after considering your health, money, and living. Although it depends on individual value judgments, choosing to fight without any treatment is too risky to commit suicide. If you have depression or other psychiatric disorders, go get treatment or counseling. In addition, if mental health is not restored, the body naturally weakens, so it is important to establish an environment where people can receive treatment at any time as much as possible.
It's also important to set up a safety device in advance that will keep me from dying if I have no choice but to commit suicide. The safety device can be a hospital or psychotherapy, it depends on the individual, such as family or hobbies, but if you do not make as many safety devices as possible, there is a very high possibility that you will die in the middle or be struggling at home in a moribund state.
The reason why we talk about risk so many times is that the pain of reflecting on trauma in private and the pain of replacing it with a public one are two different things. You can easily become brave because you don't know at all. No matter how prepared you are to endure the pain when you experience it, you may feel that it is difficult to endure.
3. Check your finance
Even if the expenditure on law and treatment is not huge, it is difficult to actively engage in economic activities while continuing the battle. There are many times when we are pushed to the limit enough to give up our economic activities in the middle. In this case, it may be difficult to pay for food or monthly rent, and there may be cases where you do not have a credit rating to pay the debt. Therefore, questions like ‘Do I have a family to support me when I lose my financial ability?’ ‘Is there anyone I can borrow money safely?’ should also be considered realistically. The public fight is likely to be several times longer than the expected period. Check if you can continue your economic activities.
4. Check your Relationships
When you are sexually assaulted by someone close to you, your acquaintances are entangled, so there is a very high possibility that you will receive secondary harm or psychological damage from those around you. Especially when preparing for a public fight, people around you are summoned as witnesses, so it often happens that someone you thought was on your side defends the perpetrator. This is a very personal experience, so it cannot be generalized, but in my case, when I talked about my harm, the people who had cut relationship with the perpetrator immediately stayed by my side until the end. The people were also can end their relationship with the perpetrators even in the community or workplace. A person who cannot easily do this because he or she is entangled in interests can defend the perpetrator at any time, so it is better to empty them in your mind from the beginning. Also, unless there is a special bond or a sense of duty to the other person, it is rare to expect to get help from someone.
5. Set Thresholds
It is good to decide in advance how far you can give up the above considerations. Personally, it was a great help to set a fighting period. You can give up at the planning stage, but even if you give up, it's much easier to give up and find things that can help you in other ways if the limits are clear. Time, money, health, relationships, and careers are constantly being cut down, so it is good to set a marginal line.
6. When the limit is clear, but you want to force the fight
There may come a moment when the limits become clear when trying to force a public fight. At this time, if you already know that there is a limit, but feel that you must force it, check if there are still "things related to the perpetrator" around. If the crime happened on campus, just being in the school plays a role in sustaining the trauma. The perspective you have while the trauma is replaying and while you are away from it are very different. If a trauma regenerating factor can be overcome without a public fight, try it first and then think about the public process again.
If the above doesn't apply to you, you'll probably have to fight the abuser in some way to be safe from the abuser. But if you feel like you have no chance of winning 1. Do you have a helper? 2. Are you mentally/physically healthy? 3. Do you have enough money? 4. Are your relationships stable? Make at least one of these 4 items stable before the fight begins. If all four are absent, the probability of survival is too low. When you lose, you need something that will be an airbag so you can have enough time to convince yourself, and you can give up or prepare for the next fight only if you have some space in your mind.